For Jason

A tribute to my dad

Today marks six years since my Daddy, Jason J. Craig, said goodbye to this life and hello to the best one.

Six years.

And you would think that with over a half a decade to buffer the loss, I’d be more okay. But I’m not. So I'm learning to be okay with not being okay.

I never said much about my dad to the world outside of random glimpses of memories that would surface here and there. When he passed, I didn’t make a long Facebook status. I didn’t speak at his funeral. I didn’t speak much at all. It’s as if my subconscious took an oath of stoicism to cope, and the rest of my being blindly followed suit.

Actually, on today six years ago, when my mother and my Nana broke the news to me after picking me up from my college classes, I still decided to go to work. When I arrived, I calmly let my managers know that my Dad died today and I won’t be in for the next few days. They all looked at me bewildered. Why the hell is she here right now?! I just needed to stay in motion. I couldn’t face my family, or myself just yet. I needed to hold on to the last but of normalcy that I had left. This coping mechanism carried me through college. My life was work and school. I needed to be distracted.

But today, on September 7th, 2022, I’m ready to speak. I’m ready to talk about my Dad and about how much he meant to me, and who he was through my eyes.

With grief, comes memory loss. At least, for me it did. Whenever I’m talking to someone close to me about it, I say every time that it’s as if a part of my memory died when my Dad did. The memories come back in trickles. Although it’s been six- years, I still don’t have all of the pieces. There’s a chance that I never will.

Here’s what I do remember, though.

My Dad was a light. A consistent light. His laughter would fill whatever room we were in. Honestly, his laughter could fill a building. He was so freaking silly! He’d laugh often, and it was infectious. He was a jokester all of his life, and to this day, the memories of his jokes and silly mannerisms make me laugh from my belly every single time.

My dad wasn’t perfect, but he always always always tried his best. My Dad never gave up on himself. He was a fighter. He always had a plan to be better, to get better. He’d sketch to improve his barber designs. He’d cook to perfect his meals. He’d even replay the same Mario Kart cup over and over to improve his techniques and always come out victorious when he would race against us. In my eyes, my Dad always had a plan and a dream. He was optimistic and tenacious and didn't see present obstacles as permanent ones.

My dad was a barber and worked a lot. My favorite part of the day was when my dad would come home from work at the end of the day. I wouldn't go to sleep until I could get my nightly hug, and talk a little bit. Despite his busy schedule, he always made sure that my siblings and I felt loved. He was affectionate in a unique way: he showed his love the most by just being present. We would sit and watch movies and TV together, we played video games, he took our family on outings to the beach, the fair, amusement parks, and church. He would take my siblings and I trick-or-treating, and would always try his best to make it to our academic award ceremonies and sporting events. He especially loved coming to my homecoming powderpuff games! One of my favorite memories is of him grabbing a blanket and making a pallet on the floor next to my bed, and we sat and watched Family Guy together.

My Dad loved music. To be specific, he loved Hip Hop. My mom mostly played gospel and R&B around the house because she didn’t want us listening to anything “too crazy”, and be negatively influenced. But when my Dad would take us to school or have us hang out at the barbershop, he played what he wanted to listen to. My Dad was an “old head” who still made a point to keep up with the times and listen out for what was new and fresh. He loved LL Cool J, Slick Rick and Jay Z, and also appreciated Lil Wayne, Kanye West,

Drake, and Kendrick Lamar. He was notorious for having a song as his ringtone. One of my favorite memories was his special affection for Pound Cake by Drake featuring Jay Z. He specifically had Jay-Z’s verse as his ringtone. Like I said, my Dad was silly, and when Jay-Z would get to the part of his verse when he repeated “CAKE” over and over, my Dad would Drag. It. I was always, and still am, so tickled every time I hear the song.

In fact, my dad taught me how to download music and burn CD’s. He really enabled me to discover music on my own and to curate my own taste. I know that if he were here today, we could probably sit and chat about music for hours.

My Dad was also a nerd, and spent a lot of time watching TV and movies. He loved science and history. Whenever I had a school project regarding science, history, or art, he was the one I’d go to for help. He enjoyed supernatural shows like Charmed, and Game of Thrones. He was really into gangster content, from The Godfather series to American Gangster and Boardwalk Empire. He also really enjoyed football and basketball. I don't remember who his favorite basketball team was, but I do remember that unfortunately, he was a Patriots fan, which caused a rift in our household every fall. Now that I’m more in-tune to the world of football, I have no idea WHY that man would insist on stanning Tom Brady the way that he did.

My Dad was an amazing cook, a terrible singer, a decent dancer, a fantastic barber, a talented artist, a loyal son, the class clown, a dedicated family man, a kind stranger, a friend to all, and an amazing father. One of the things that break my heart the most is the fact that I didn't get the chance to learn about who my Dad was as a full person, the way that I've gotten to know my mom as I've gotten older. It hurts to know that there are parts of him that I wont get to experience for myself in this lifetime, but yet, I am still so deeply grateful for the time that I did get to spend with him while he was here, and for the person he was for me.

They say that grief is just love with no place to go anymore. As time goes on, and as I get older, I find myself loving and appreciating my Dad more and more, which explains why instead of getting easier, its been slowly getting harder for me to cope with him not being here anymore. It's been six years, and I’m still so incredibly sad.

Amidst my sadness, however, I know that my dad lives through me, my siblings, and everyone who he touched while he was here. He loved long past what his physical heart could endure, and it’s that love that continues to radiate, continues to inspire me, and continues to encourage me to keep going.

I love you Daddy, forever and always. Until we meet again. ∞