Introduction Things

To understand why this blog exists, I must explain how I got to this very moment.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I was able to name these internal struggles during my junior year of high school in 2013, and ever since then, have been on a journey of discovering what does and does not work best for me in how to cope. As I moved out of my late teens and into my early twenties, life completely shifted for me with the sudden passing of my father in 2016.

The version of myself that I had spent nineteen years exploring and working to understand had passed away when my father took his last breath. I was left with a skeleton made of sporadic memories, coping mechanisms that no longer worked for me, and a massive and unfamiliar load of grief. It was like I was dropped off in an unfamiliar dessert, tasked to rebuild myself with the pieces that I had left.

My dad & I during my 1st Christmas circa 1997

Fast forward to three years later to March of 2019, and I’m almost done with my undergraduate degree. At this point of my grieving process, I would deal with my sadness in spurts and focus most of my energy towards maintaining a momentum. If I just kept moving, I wouldn’t be able to feel, and I would be okay. I put all my focus on school, work, and my love life. By this point, I worked full time as an assistant manager at Nordstrom Rack, worked two internships while also taking 12 credits worth of classes. I had lived with my partner for almost a year in our very first apartment. It was stressful, but I was coasting and thought that I was okay. I had no idea how close I was to the one of the lowest personal valleys I had yet to experience.

I had learned that the assistant manager position that I worked so hard to obtain and maintain had been dissolved by the company, and I was faced with either accepting a demotion, or a severance package. Heartbroken yet pragmatic, I took the demotion so that I could still contribute to my household’s needs. Feeling discouraged and demoralized with this new financial strain, I started to spiral. My two internships dwindled down to one, my GPA dropped down below my personal standard, and after graduation, I picked up a second job at a gas station, resulting in me having less time for my family, friends, partner, and myself. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually worn down.

Graduation Day May 2019

Fast forward again to March 2020, and the entire world shut down in the wake of COVID-19 sweeping its way across the world. I was happy to have a random paid vacation and to get to stay home with my love. It was only going to be two weeks anyways, right? (Cue the laughter)

Two weeks turned into a month and a half into me spending more time with my thoughts than I have since before my father passed away. I was forced to be still, and I was forced to face myself. This all came to a head a few months later in November – when I had reached my breaking point. I felt drained and as if I was consistently missing the mark in every aspect of my life. I wasn’t present enough with my friends, family, or partner. I was growing increasingly unhappy with work, as I was still bitter about being demoted, and I without realizing it, I was in the deepest pit of depression that I have ever faced. It was hard to get out of bed, to cook, to clean my apartment, to clean myself, or to take care of my two dog. I was low, I was sad, and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I decided to give up my independent lifestyle and move back into my moth

The day I bought my car! Shoutout to my old manager for letting me leave work and come back!

er’s house to reset myself. This single decision ignited a domino effect of decisions that led to me re-envisioning myself. I truly had to strip myself all the way down in order to rebuild. With the help of my returned security deposit from my apartment and my partners’ generosity, I was able to purchase a car after having been without one for a few years. Being able to be mobile on my own terms again reignited a sense of self agency. A few months after getting my car, I took a chance and applied for a promotion that would lead me to relocate to Syracuse. When I got word that I secured the job, it seemed as if I would finally be catching a break. Not only would I be getting a raise, but all of my moving expenses would be paid for and I would be able to have my very own apartment for the first time. I was optimistic about this new journey and knew that I had made the right decision. I felt that I would I finally have the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Little did I know, I was still in for a hell of a ride.

Miss Peaches showing y'all her good side

I moved to Syracuse by myself with my newest pet, a cat named Peaches. I was nervous about being in a new town away from my family and friends, but I was hopeful and optimistic that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. As the months went on, I became more and more unhappy, once again. I had trouble making friends, my new work environment felt even more toxic than my old one, and even though my partner would visit me once a week, I missed my family and friends terribly.

2021 was coming to an end I had been in Syracuse for nine months, and I once again found myself feeling alone in a way that I had never experienced before. This time, there was really no escaping it – so I chose to embrace it. I made the decision to re-envision myself and asked myself, “Who do I want to be?” I begun to make baby steps towards aligning with who I wanted to be. I wanted to be someone who knew how to roller skate, so I bought a funky pair a skates and took myself out to practice. I wanted to be someone who journaled often and was self-reflective, so I spent time testing different journaling techniques and reading self-help books. I wanted to be someone who was engaged with the arts, so I went out to screenings of old movies and took myself on dates to the art museum.

These small decisions helped lead me towards discovering who I am at my core. These baby steps led me to consider the bigger picture of things. Consequentially, I learned that this new journey also requires me to do the things that scare me the most, and that I need to bet on myself with my full chest. I learned that the best version of myself right now needed to be surrounded with friends and family, so I moved back home, back into my mother’s house. I learned that I wanted to work in a space where I feel respected and well balanced – so I quit my job. I learned that the relationship that I had been in for nearly five years was no longer what either of us wanted or deserved, so we ended things.

Which brings us back to this very moment in 2022. It’s my 25th birthday, and I’ve learned that the best version of myself has the courage to curate a space where I can share my story via various mediums. The best version of myself expresses herself freely and actively inputs creative, and thoughtful energy into the world. The best version of myself has created the opportunity to share the deepest parts of myself with you, so that you may be inspired to have the courage to share what you have to offer the world as well.

This blog is me betting on myself and choosing to be the best version of myself. So welcome – and cheers to big bets and baby steps. ∞

This is the journal that I'm currently using. I found it at Target!