Moving Forward

Lets really talk about not being okay.

Its human nature to feel most comfortable about discussing challenges when they’re in our rearview. Its easy to say “Hey – I went through this and overcame it!”. The sentiment is powerful and allows us to be vulnerable and seem relatable, but still maintain at a certain distance from the actual struggle. But what if we removed that distance? What if we talked about our healing while we’re in the thick of it? What if we were as unapologetic about not being okay right now, as we are about overcoming “not being okay”?

Transparency is the foundation that this blog stands on. So, in light of that, I have to be honest – I’m in the middle of healing, and it sucks. Real bad. But I’m so grateful to be in this uncomfortable space.

I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m guilty of constantly gaslighting myself. As a result, for the longest time, I felt like I was just stuck, and wasn’t making any real progress, because I never experienced that singular dramatic moment that would set me on my healing journey. I would try to do better to ignite that moment, and then I would get discouraged when change didn't look the way that I had hoped. I'd feel like a failure and I would fall right back into my old patterns rooted in comfort. It wasn’t until I was in the thick of it that I realized that the moment I had been waiting, wouldn't be dramatic or instant - in fact, it had already started.

During these past two months, I’ve been buckling down trying to reconfigure what my personal foundation looks like. I stepped away from everything – detaching myself from my phone, and social media, even this blog, and really looked at everything out in front of me. I kept being confronted with the question “What do you really want?” Naturally, I didn’t know the answer. Truth be told, I haven’t really known the answer since I graduated from college.

In taking this step back, I realized that the question I was asking myself was more dynamic than I had assumed it to be, and therefore needed to be answered for in multiple areas in my life: What did I want my next relationship to look like? What type of sister, daughter, and friend do I want to be? What kind of Godmother do I want to be? What kind of creative do I want to be? What do I want my spiritual life to look like? What do I want my body to look and feel like?

All of these questions led me to the most important question that was at the root of it all – What’s stopping me from being everything that I want to be?

And I realized that it was myself. I’ve always been in my own way.

I’ve discouraged myself. I’ve limited myself. I’ve put myself in a box. I allowed myself to fall into a mindset of defeat because of my past “failures”. I had to learn how to rewrite my own history, and to look at all of my failures as true steppingstones.

I realized that there’s nothing instantly magical about healing. There was no orgasmic revelation that took over me and set me on my journey. My healing started with me choosing to be kind to myself and to give myself grace and permission to not be okay out loud. Not to be cliché, but it really started with me trying, and failing, and choosing to try again.

My healing is coming to me through making decisions that scare me and standing on them – ten toes down.

Once again- I know that this is cliché as hell. But some things you don’t know until you really figure it out for yourself. And I am so excited to have finally figured it out.

I am so excited to get to know this new version of myself that I haven’t met before. I am filled with so much peace and clarity and gratitude because I chose to believe that the main blockage between myself and everything that I hope for were the grudges that I held against myself. I had to forgive myself.

Let me be clear - I’m still in the thick of it. I’m still actively forgiving myself. I’m still actively healing, and it hurts. It’s still scary. It’s still uncomfortable. At times, it’s lonely and discouraging. I’m still not exactly where I want to be, but I know for a fact that I’m on my way. I know right now I’m planting seeds that will eventually blossom into a garden full of everything that I have been hoping and praying for, in every aspect of my life. In fact, I’m starting to see some of those seeds sprout and I am so excited and grateful.

This entire year I have been trying to convince myself that I’m okay- nearly eleven months in, and I’m just now starting to actually believe it.

I’m exploring my answers to those many questions, and I’m choosing to let those answers shape my intentions moving forward. I’m also choosing to be okay with those answers shifting and evolving as I continue this journey. I’m choosing to consistently step outside of my comfort zone, and to intentionally do the things that bring me joy, so that I remain encouraged during the uncomfortable moments. I’ve learned that for me, choosing joy looks like reading, learning how to crochet, going to Zumba and working out on my own, eating well, going to random concerts, playing my Nintendo Switch, meditating, spending time with my friends and my family more and doom scrolling less, setting boundaries by removing triggers from my foresight, keeping my space clean, and loving on my baby Peaches.

If you’re like me- or even if you're not anything like me - I believe in you, and hope that you find the things that bring you joy and are encouraged to stay the course. Remember, you are in charge of your narrative. Healing isn't cute, but we got this y'all.

Cheers to healing, new beginnings, and moving forward. ∞